The New Yorker's Joan Acocella deemed this week to write an expose on one of our baser problems, The Hangover. From the first time one of our "friends" woke up in her front yard feeling like there were construction workers drilling her asphalt brain, we swore in solidarity that we'd never get that drunk again. Later in college, after K-Dog and I thought chasing vodka (good enough to be stored warm under her dorm room bed in a plastic bottle) with diet coke before going to keg parties was a smashing idea, and then found out the next day that we should have been demerited several IQ points for that line of reasoning, we again issued a declaration of moderate temperance. Yet, over the years, we've done away with the fallacy that we'll ever give up the drink.
Nowadays, we sometimes wholeheartedly embrace The Hangover's effects; like, for example, when we're planning to attend baby showers in New Jersey as the sole single - and we're told, nearly barren - women. So it is with admiring appreciation that we read Ms. Acocella's piece. Though it reaches no definite conclusions, and goes into only surface analysis as to why there is no cure for The Hangover, I've pulled out some of the more lucious nuggets.
How to say "I'm Hungover" in several language (the translated version):
"still drunk" - Egyptian
"two days drunk" - Japanese
"drunk overnight" - Chinese
"smacked from behind" - Swedish
"made of rubber" - Scandanavians
"wooden mouth", or "hairache" - French
"tomcat" - German, Dutch
"howling of kittens" - Polish
"carpenters in the forehead" - Danish
Most Common Cure For The Hangover -- Hair of the Dog, of course
The Three (Non-Alcohol-Related) Stages of Preventing The Hangover (and their various, and wholly unproven, cures):
1.) Before/While Drinking
drink lots of water
eat a heavy meal
drink a glass of milk
2.) Before Bed
water
vitamin C
make yourself puke
3.) The Next Morning
water
the greasy meal: Denny's breakfast, McDonald's hamburgers
drink a six-pack of Coke
the Scots swear by Im-Bru
Indians love buttermilk
Aspirin
Alka-Seltzer
Vitamin C
Vitamin B
And a host of pharmaceutical solutions: Chaser, NoHang, BoozeEase, PartySmart, Sob'r-K
No - I'm not talking about the legalization of gay marriage. Just posting a shout-out to my girl, MCM, who put on this amazing show, Unchartered: Imaginary Landscapes. I ain't cultured and whatnot, but I hang around some pretty cool people who are. If you're in the 'hood, swing by tomorrow night for art and poetry and wine... now that's some good stuff.
Fake Steve Jobs is an unwavering supporter of my main man, Barack Obama. It's definitely not McCain 2013, but FSJ - speaking for Silicon Valley - paints his own vision:
"...note to the rest of America -- we may not be as sexy as Hollywood or Wall Street, but you know what? We've got a shitload of money, and we know how to organize. We're a powerful bunch of khaki-wearing, gay-marriage-supporting, arugula-eating, Mac-using elitist nerds out here. To all of you racist homophobic non-Californian dumb fucks who find that annoying? Tough shit. We outsmarted you. We out-spent you. And now for the next eight years we're going to be running this country. We're going to give equal rights to gay people, fund stem-cell research, teach evolution, take down the fence on the Mexican border, and make sure abortion stays safe and legal. We're going to pull out of Iraq, shut down Gitmo, and stop torturing people. And yeah. A black dude with a Muslim-sounding name and degrees from Columbia and Harvard is going to be in charge. So sit back down, strap yourself in, and shut the fuck up, crackers."
For the record, I don't live in Silicon Valley or wear khakis. But the rest of the dream ain't so bad. And as FSJ would say, "Namaste".
Can we just declare David Cook the winner and go home already? While I might be reluctant in certain circles to admit that I even know what's going on, Paula Abdul's mind-bending, time travel still entertains. That being said, and after my Aussie got kicked off, I'll eat the stale pasta salad that's been the sole resident of my pantry for the last two years if that awful sanguine, cloying Archuletta kid wins.
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