Anatomy of a Hangover

The New Yorker's Joan Acocella deemed this week to write an expose on one of our baser problems, The Hangover. From the first time one of our "friends" woke up in her front yard feeling like there were construction workers drilling her asphalt brain, we swore in solidarity that we'd never get that drunk again. Later in college, after K-Dog and I thought chasing vodka (good enough to be stored warm under her dorm room bed in a plastic bottle) with diet coke before going to keg parties was a smashing idea, and then found out the next day that we should have been demerited several IQ points for that line of reasoning, we again issued a declaration of moderate temperance. Yet, over the years, we've done away with the fallacy that we'll ever give up the drink.


Nowadays, we sometimes wholeheartedly embrace The Hangover's effects; like, for example, when we're planning to attend baby showers in New Jersey as the sole single - and we're told, nearly barren - women. So it is with admiring appreciation that we read Ms. Acocella's piece. Though it reaches no definite conclusions, and goes into only surface analysis as to why there is no cure for The Hangover, I've pulled out some of the more lucious nuggets.

How to say "I'm Hungover" in several language (the translated version):

• "still drunk" - Egyptian
• "two days drunk" - Japanese
• "drunk overnight" - Chinese
• "smacked from behind" - Swedish
• "made of rubber" - Scandanavians
• "wooden mouth", or "hairache" - French
• "tomcat" - German, Dutch
• "howling of kittens" - Polish
• "carpenters in the forehead" - Danish

Most Common Cure For The Hangover -- Hair of the Dog, of course

The Three (Non-Alcohol-Related) Stages of Preventing The Hangover (and their various, and wholly unproven, cures):

1.) Before/While Drinking

• drink lots of water
• eat a heavy meal
• drink a glass of milk

2.) Before Bed

• water
• vitamin C
• make yourself puke

3.) The Next Morning

• water
• the greasy meal: Denny's breakfast, McDonald's hamburgers
• drink a six-pack of Coke
• the Scots swear by Im-Bru
• Indians love buttermilk
• Aspirin
• Alka-Seltzer
• Vitamin C
• Vitamin B
• And a host of pharmaceutical solutions: Chaser, NoHang, BoozeEase, PartySmart, Sob'r-K
• Our money is on RU-21
• Our safety card is fountain diet-Coke from McDonald's. Nectar of the Gods, we tell ya.

So, now maybe we'll mix it up for our next Hangover - which I'm predicting in approximately 80 hours.