No Gentlemen, Eating Luna Bars Will Not Make You More Bodacious

[Filed under Fun Fact Filled Fridays, Cross-referenced with inquiring Minds Want to Know]

From Chow, we've settled the age-old question: "Will Eating Luna Bars Make Guys' Breasts Grow?" Lessley Anderson dug up this helpful answer.
Clif Bar, manufacturer of the Luna nutrition bar—marketed “for women”—is asked this question all the time. The concern is baseless, however. Luna bars, which come in flavors including Lemon Zest, S’mores, and Dulce de Leche, contain no estrogen or other hormones that might cause men to grow mammary glands. They’re for women because they’re fortified with nutrients females typically need more of, or sometimes have a hard time getting in their diets. These include folic acid, calcium, iron, B vitamins, and fiber.

For example, women (and men) between the ages of 19 and 50 need 1,000 to 1,200 milligrams of calcium per day: the equivalent of three glasses of milk. Luna bars contain as much calcium as one glass of milk. But women tend to diet more than men, says Tara DelloIacono Thies, nutrition strategist for Clif Bar, and “calcium seems to go first, because they’re drinking less milk and eating fewer dairy products.” Folic acid is a form of vitamin B found in fruits and vegetables that’s also necessary to both sexes. But it’s particularly crucial for women trying to get pregnant, because a folic acid deficiency can cause birth defects. Men won’t suddenly find themselves expecting a child after consuming a Luna bar, either, just in case you’re wondering.

I guess this means it won't help A-cuppers become D-cuppers either anytime soon?

Carol Anne, Turn Away From The Light!

and yet like a car wreck -- so awful, we just can't turn away...

Try And Argue With Me Now, Suckas

A few of my faithful readers like to goad me, push me, prod me, poke me until I react. Sometimes I'm forced in response to issue a fatwa against mentally stilted op-ed writers for the Washington Post. Sometimes I'm compelled to spew invective against Borat-haters. (Happy to share my return salvos, upon request). But now, perhaps I'll just save my energy on these arguments, and call everyone "ass-clowns". Or borrowing heavily from FSJ, and tell them that they're being "frigtards".

(Namaste and thanks Paul Graham, for the handy new argument tool-set).

Anatomy of a Hangover

The New Yorker's Joan Acocella deemed this week to write an expose on one of our baser problems, The Hangover. From the first time one of our "friends" woke up in her front yard feeling like there were construction workers drilling her asphalt brain, we swore in solidarity that we'd never get that drunk again. Later in college, after K-Dog and I thought chasing vodka (good enough to be stored warm under her dorm room bed in a plastic bottle) with diet coke before going to keg parties was a smashing idea, and then found out the next day that we should have been demerited several IQ points for that line of reasoning, we again issued a declaration of moderate temperance. Yet, over the years, we've done away with the fallacy that we'll ever give up the drink.

Nowadays, we sometimes wholeheartedly embrace The Hangover's effects; like, for example, when we're planning to attend baby showers in New Jersey as the sole single - and we're told, nearly barren - women. So it is with admiring appreciation that we read Ms. Acocella's piece. Though it reaches no definite conclusions, and goes into only surface analysis as to why there is no cure for The Hangover, I've pulled out some of the more lucious nuggets.

How to say "I'm Hungover" in several language (the translated version):
  • "still drunk" - Egyptian
  • "two days drunk" - Japanese
  • "drunk overnight" - Chinese
  • "smacked from behind" - Swedish
  • "made of rubber" - Scandanavians
  • "wooden mouth", or "hairache" - French
  • "tomcat" - German, Dutch
  • "howling of kittens" - Polish
  • "carpenters in the forehead" - Danish
Most Common Cure For The Hangover -- Hair of the Dog, of course

The Three (Non-Alcohol-Related) Stages of Preventing The Hangover (and their various, and wholly unproven, cures):

1.) Before/While Drinking
  • drink lots of water
  • eat a heavy meal
  • drink a glass of milk
2.) Before Bed
  • water
  • vitamin C
  • make yourself puke
3.) The Next Morning
  • water
  • the greasy meal: Denny's breakfast, McDonald's hamburgers
  • drink a six-pack of Coke
  • the Scots swear by Im-Bru
  • Indians love buttermilk
  • Aspirin
  • Alka-Seltzer
  • Vitamin C
  • Vitamin B
  • And a host of pharmaceutical solutions: Chaser, NoHang, BoozeEase, PartySmart, Sob'r-K
  • Our money is on RU-21
  • Our safety card is fountain diet-Coke from McDonald's. Nectar of the Gods, we tell ya.
So, now maybe we'll mix it up for our next Hangover - which I'm predicting in approximately 80 hours.

I Told You Sweden Rocks...

everyone's doin' it... everyone's going there...

Unchartered Territory in San Francisco

No - I'm not talking about the legalization of gay marriage. Just posting a shout-out to my girl, MCM, who put on this amazing show, Unchartered: Imaginary Landscapes. I ain't cultured and whatnot, but I hang around some pretty cool people who are. If you're in the 'hood, swing by tomorrow night for art and poetry and wine... now that's some good stuff.

Crushing on FSJ Crushing on BO

Fake Steve Jobs is an unwavering supporter of my main man, Barack Obama. It's definitely not McCain 2013, but FSJ - speaking for Silicon Valley - paints his own vision:
"...note to the rest of America -- we may not be as sexy as Hollywood or Wall Street, but you know what? We've got a shitload of money, and we know how to organize. We're a powerful bunch of khaki-wearing, gay-marriage-supporting, arugula-eating, Mac-using elitist nerds out here. To all of you racist homophobic non-Californian dumb fucks who find that annoying? Tough shit. We outsmarted you. We out-spent you. And now for the next eight years we're going to be running this country. We're going to give equal rights to gay people, fund stem-cell research, teach evolution, take down the fence on the Mexican border, and make sure abortion stays safe and legal. We're going to pull out of Iraq, shut down Gitmo, and stop torturing people. And yeah. A black dude with a Muslim-sounding name and degrees from Columbia and Harvard is going to be in charge. So sit back down, strap yourself in, and shut the fuck up, crackers."
For the record, I don't live in Silicon Valley or wear khakis. But the rest of the dream ain't so bad. And as FSJ would say, "Namaste".

What I Learned This Week in Hotlanta...

  • Hotlanta isn't always hot (merely in the high-60s today)
  • ScarJo may be a better singer than Paris Hilton, but I ain't going to go see her live anytime soon
  • JE hearts BO
  • David Archuletta is the toothache that will never go away
  • There's another music web site that will inevitably fall short of my music mecca
  • I really should bring nail polish remover with me

AI is Cooked, Can We Eat Now?

Can we just declare David Cook the winner and go home already? While I might be reluctant in certain circles to admit that I even know what's going on, Paula Abdul's mind-bending, time travel still entertains. That being said, and after my Aussie got kicked off, I'll eat the stale pasta salad that's been the sole resident of my pantry for the last two years if that awful sanguine, cloying Archuletta kid wins.
David Cook

Everyone's Throwing Grandma Under the Bus These Days

Damn, I want one of these... just a few more weeks.

The Empire Strikes Barack

tee hee hee...

Time to Step Up My Training...

I'll be able to step up from CIT, to a full-fledged Cougar after a season of what's sure to be 2009's next great reality show hit:

TV Land Green-Lights ‘Cougar’ Dating Show: Older Woman to Vie for Affections of Bevy of Younger Men

TV Land gave the green light to an untitled project from The Bachelor and High School Reunion creator Mike Fleiss. The dating series will take an older woman (the cougar) and have her vie for the affections of a bevy of younger men.
But F it... in the meantime, while I may hang out in the Cougar Den from time to time, I'm still cool with going to Brooklyn.